Finding my own path


I’ve been feeling like I’m on the edge of something, like I’m close to finding some sort of path or gaining some insight. Maybe some opportunity is about to come up. Maybe what I can imagine as possible for me is expanding. I’m not sure what’s going on, but the feeling that the potential for some sort of change is there.

  • There was a brief moment of confusion last week in regards to my grant being extended or not. It turned out to be a typo(wrong date) but during that day of uncertainty I wasn’t terribly upset. While it would have complicated things, I also didn’t mind the idea of being forced to make a decision regarding my future.
  • A recent Altucher Confidential post reminded me that people are able to do miraculous things with their lives. He has a book coming out(hopefully not just e-book form) that I plan on getting. I’m also trying to follow part of his Daily Practice, and make lists of ideas that come up or forcing myself to come up with ideas for a list. This post so far is kind of a list!
  • I read an article on Gawker predicting that the current insane increase in housing prices in our area once again is unsustainable. Our neighbors across the street just sold their 2 bedroom house for approx $600,000! It’s a cute house, but the price is nuts. As during the housing boom of the mid 2000’s I had basically accepted the fact that I would never be able to afford a home. Whether I want to or not is still up in the air since there are plenty of arguments against owning, but “knowing” that I would know ever be able to afford a home in the type of places I like to live (large coastal cities) was upsetting. I’m sure there are many arguments against the idea of another bubble but entertaining the possibility that prices will come down again gives me some glimmer of hope, to have the option someday at least.
  • Lastly, my coach/therapist (she’s officially a coach, but I see it as a type of therapy) informed me that her role in our work together was going to have to change.

Several years ago the therapist I was seeing at the time also decided that things had to change. I would come in depressed and most of the session would be her trying to convince me that I wasn’t a terrible person or that I could get better. I would spend most of my time explaining why she was wrong and that I really was screwed and condemned to a life of depression and misery. I think I had grown to really need to hear someone say that I was a good person and had the potential to live a really fulfilling life. I probably put myself in a worse mood to get more of that message. I really wanted to believe it as well, but a larger part of it was getting that message. That day, she announced that things could no longer go on as they had. Our relationship would have to change. This was quite upsetting, I felt abandoned and that she had given up on me. I was also upset because I think hearing her say these positives things about me made me feel cared for and appreciated. Looking back I can see she was correct changing our working relationship, trying to be my cheerleader wasn’t helping.

Last week, my coach effectively said the same thing. She felt that being my cheerleader wasn’t helping me, in fact it was probably counter productive since I was coming to depend on someone else to “fix me” and I was spending more energy proving her wrong than anything else. In her words it was time for her to back off a bit. It’s a bit scary, since I don’t know what this all means yet, but I think she’s right. I’m also not as panicked as last time, I have more context to place this all in. Letting her assume the role of cheerleader is a way of escaping my own responsibilities again(similar to using my depression as in last weeks post). Also, if I’m not getting better(since I’m not necessarily trying), then I start getting upset with her.

This blog is a perfect example of coming to depend on others. I’ve been wrestling with the idea of getting this blog out for others to read. It seems overwhelming so I’ve avoided the issue and secretly hoped that either my coach or wife would find a venue to spread the word. I’m realizing that I really have to do it. I even made a list of possible places(mostly the “other stuff” section of some forums I frequent) I could go to.

I think this feeling of potential is the beginning of an awareness that I need to do more things for myself. I’m the only one who can really figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, I can’t expect someone else to do that for me. Awareness doesn’t always translate into action, but at least it’s a start. To paraphrase the PSAs at the end of each G.I. Joe cartoon in the 80s “Knowing is half the battle”

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