{"id":134,"date":"2013-03-20T20:34:44","date_gmt":"2013-03-21T04:34:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/?p=134"},"modified":"2013-03-20T20:34:44","modified_gmt":"2013-03-21T04:34:44","slug":"the-flu-and-going-public","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/?p=134","title":{"rendered":"The Flu and going public"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"public_bathroom-1\"<\/a>
\nI fell behind a bit in this blog this past week. As I\u2019ve mentioned before, at least one person in the house has been sick, non-stop, since the beginning of January. This last week it was my turn. Despite getting the flu shot, I ended up with a full-on 5-day flu. I haven\u2019t had the flu in at least 15 years and I had forgotten what it was like to have a fever several days in a row. On the bright side I got to finish Haruki Murakami<\/a>\u2019s latest book, 1Q84<\/a>. It had been sitting next to my bed for months but I couldn\u2019t seem to even open it. I had other books I was reading and I\u2019ve been so busy recently. Since I was sick and in bed I finally had the time! His books tend to be a bit dreamlike anyways, so reading in between the spikes in my fever made for an interesting experience. It happened several times that I wasn\u2019t sure if what I was reflecting on in the book had really happened or I had dreamt it. Several of these imagined happenings worked their way into some of my fever-induced nightmares which was kind of funny. It didn\u2019t turn out to be my favorite Murakami book and it\u2019s probably not the best introduction for someone new to his work but I still enjoyed it a lot. <\/p>\n

The other benefit of having the flu was that I got to practice my mindfulness. I worked on just accepting the situation (I had a fever and a horrendous cough and wasn\u2019t sleeping much) and on reminding myself that this was temporary. I had to mentally keep chanting \u201cthis will pass\u201d several nights just to make it through the fevers. I had the na\u00efve notion that my flu would mark the grand finale of this family\u2019s non-stop illness this winter, but I was proved wrong when my younger daughter came down with what seems to be the same flu that I had. I\u2019m really hoping my older daughter doesn\u2019t get it next. Besides seeing the kids suffer and not sleeping we are leaving for the in-laws at the beach next week and I want to get as much surfing in as I can. Keeping my fingers crossed.<\/p>\n

So what I\u2019m really intending this post to be about is that this blog hasn\u2019t been made public yet. That’s not to say that it’s not accessible, I just haven’t told very many people about it. I actually haven\u2019t told a single friend or family member (other than my wife). By not really trying to reach anyone, this blog serves as a sort of diary. I have to work on it some, since I know I have at least a couple of readers(wife and life coach). My wife commented that I am much more open in these writings than I am when it comes to talking about what is going on in my life. So besides serving as a place for me to write and reflect on my life this blog also helps me communicate with my wife!<\/p>\n

I have mixed thoughts about going public. I think the original intent behind this blog was to use my experiences to possibly help others in a similar situation. I was asked what the worst possible response to my blog would be and I realized that I didn’t really have one. I think I’ve been fairly open in this project, maybe because I know almost no one is reading it and I\u2019m anonymous for the most part. Still, it’s hard for me to imagine that anyone could really care about what I write. I answered that I guessed the worst possible response would be someone saying that my writing was shit and that the blog is a waste of time. Even that doesn’t faze me too much. I think the person I was talking to was looking more for how my blog might impact someone or how someone might say that I was hopeless and doomed to a life of depression and melancholy. The thought didn\u2019t even cross my mind because I have a hard time imagining that my experience could really make enough of an impact, positive or negative in someone’s life that they would bother to read it and feel strongly enough to respond.<\/p>\n

In a scenario where I try to spread word of this blog indirectly it doesn\u2019t seem so scary to go public. I can hide behind a veil of anonymity and keep writing as freely as ever. Perhaps someone who recognized enough about my life would realize it was me, but it still wouldn\u2019t be as if I personally invited them to read it. What I find really scary is the idea of directly telling friends or acquaintances about this blog(e.g. linking to it on my Facebook page or something). Exposing my thoughts and worries is something I rarely do even with close friends. Thus, to imagine friends and acquaintances reading about my failings and depression is too uncomfortable. I\u2019m afraid I would start self-editing and end up without this space to write about and reflect on the things I go through. <\/p>\n

I also feel somewhat presumptuous when I imagine advertising this blog. I ask myself \u201cwho do you think you are that anyone would want to read what you write, let alone get anything from it?\u201d Thinking about this some more, I realize that the same sentiment carries over into my life as a whole. If I keep my head down and not strive for anything visible then I\u2019m safe, no one pays attention to me and I don\u2019t set myself up for failure. When I\u2019m in one of my melancholy or depressed states it’s hard for me to believe that my being or existence could really impact anyone’s life. Granted having a dad is probably good for the girls, and my family and wife love me, but other than I don’t see much value in me existing. I can’t even really believe that I have much of an impact in my friends\u2019 lives. In my less depressed states, I don\u2019t necessarily think that I matter, but I can at least focus on the benefits I provide my family.<\/p>\n

So I end at somewhat of a conflicted place. I\u2019m obviously writing this stuff down and part of me wants someone else to read it and get something from it, but it feels safer to imagine it\u2019s just me writing in some sort of diary. Also, if I don’t advertise then I am not being presumptous and full of myself. So I guess I want people to read this, but not necessarily people I know and I don’t want to come across as presumptous as to how this blog could help anyone. Does a blog about melancholy and depression make a difference if no one is around to read it?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I fell behind a bit in this blog this past week. As I\u2019ve mentioned before, at least one person in the house has been sick, non-stop, since the beginning of January. This last week it was my turn. Despite getting the flu shot, I ended up with a full-on 5-day flu. I haven\u2019t had the … Continue reading The Flu and going public<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-134","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=134"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":143,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/134\/revisions\/143"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=134"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=134"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=134"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}