{"id":156,"date":"2013-04-11T22:04:58","date_gmt":"2013-04-12T06:04:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/?p=156"},"modified":"2013-04-11T22:06:01","modified_gmt":"2013-04-12T06:06:01","slug":"nowhere-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/?p=156","title":{"rendered":"Nowhere Man"},"content":{"rendered":"

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The Beatle\u2019s song \u201cNowhere Man\u201d <\/a> came to mind as I was beginning to write this post. I feel exactly like I\u2019m making all my “nowhere plans for nobody”. I actually often create problems with scheduling at home because I make all these stupid plans in my head and it seems all decided but then I forget to tell anyone about them.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been feeling somewhat lost this week. We had my daughter\u2019s 6th birthday party on Saturday which was fine. Nothing particularly bad has happened since, but I just feel so ungrounded and unmotivated. For example, I\u2019ve been trying to write up a paper on some research I did but I\u2019ve just had the hardest time doing it. It feels like I can\u2019t wrap my mind around what I am trying to say and that I get bogged down in small grammar details, and nothing flows or makes any sense. Trying to dig up citations seems to be such a huge task for some reason. I escape by working on the figures, which for me is much more straightforward and fun to do. It\u2019s funny, I can do a decent job editing other people\u2019s writing but writing my own stuff is usually such an overwhelming task. <\/p>\n

Today this inability to act or do came up at my daughter\u2019s school. She left her backpack in the cafeteria by accident yesterday and my wife had asked me to look for it this morning when I dropped her off. I checked the lost and found, but when it wasn\u2019t there I kind of gave up. I\u2019m still not sure why, but the idea of having to go sign in and find the cafeteria(I still don\u2019t fully understand my way around the school) then take the backpack back to the classroom seemed too hard. Writing about it seems ridiculous, but I just couldn\u2019t do it. The secretary is kind of mean, but so what? All I had to do was explain that I needed to look for my daughter\u2019s backpack and be on my way. <\/p>\n

When I told my wife she was somewhat incredulous that I didn\u2019t do it and was annoyed because it meant she would have to go after school with both kids to find it. She didn\u2019t yell or anything, and given the circumstances was quite gracious and calm about it. I tend to cut myself down when I\u2019m upset about my behavior but she was patient enough to ask me to stop insulting myself and listen to why it had inconvenienced her so much. I grudgingly listened and realized that I had made things difficult, apologized and still felt like shit. The rest of the day I\u2019ve been off, questioning my ability to do anything in life, feeling like I’ve reached my peak in income and career and everything from here on out will be downhill. I feel like I\u2019m too dumb or unmotivated to learn anything new that requires mental ability. I\u2019m also beginning to get worried because my usual excitement for doing stuff like surfing is also beginning to diminish. I haven\u2019t had the opportunity to surf since vacation, and the conditions haven\u2019t been good anyhow but I\u2019ll have to keep an eye on this.<\/p>\n

To focus on the positives (since there are so many negatives I could go off about), I did make some progress on some ongoing projects I\u2019ve fallen behind on. I complied the list of replacement parts for a receiver I am fixing for a friend (this had been seeming impossible for weeks now) and am waiting for confirmation to order the parts. My other accomplishment this week was posting the vacation pictures online for family members. I also got around to printing some B&W photos (one of which I posted above) which I haven\u2019t done for months. Unfortunately, these actions didn\u2019t pick me up as much as taking care of unfinished business usually does.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll try to focus on the rest of Nowhere Man, and hope that I am not completely hopeless and just viewing life through an extremely distorted lens.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The Beatle\u2019s song \u201cNowhere Man\u201d came to mind as I was beginning to write this post. I feel exactly like I\u2019m making all my “nowhere plans for nobody”. I actually often create problems with scheduling at home because I make all these stupid plans in my head and it seems all decided but then I … Continue reading Nowhere Man<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_s2mail":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[11,12],"class_list":["post-156","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-depression","tag-depressed","tag-unmotivated"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=156"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":161,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/156\/revisions\/161"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=156"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=156"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=156"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}