{"id":472,"date":"2016-01-24T14:29:09","date_gmt":"2016-01-24T22:29:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/?p=472"},"modified":"2016-01-24T14:35:59","modified_gmt":"2016-01-24T22:35:59","slug":"dreams-in-the-new-year","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/melancholymanbag.com\/?p=472","title":{"rendered":"Dreams in the new year"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"colorTunneljosh\"<\/a><\/p>\n

I have been thinking about a new job for quite awhile. I would say \u201clooking\u201d but my wife(and the more honest part of me) would quickly point out that I really don\u2019t \u201clook\u201d very much. Let\u2019s say I dream about a new job. The dream itself has been really hazy, but the idea of \u201csomething else\u201d has been a constant. A few weeks ago I interviewed for a job with the State. It was all a bit fast, a friend of a friend was the director of the specific department, and I had initially just been curious about what kind of work there might be for someone with my background. Things progressed quickly, and before I knew it I was interviewing, and then a little bit later I was offered the position. The exact work wasn\u2019t quite what I had been \u201cdreaming\u201d about, but I thought it would be interesting enough, and very safe and secure. I then had a bit of a shock when I realized 1) that the initial pay would be significantly lower than what I am making now, and 2) that the earned leave\/vacation was less than half of what I get now. More importantly, after about a week of anxiety and feeling torn, I came to realize that although it would have had some great benefits, it wasn\u2019t exactly what I wanted to do. I had an emergency session with my therapist\/coach, and with some inventive and intuitive exercises, I was able to vocalize what a part of me had kept to keep hidden, that I wanted something with a better fit, that is something more in line with my values and interests.<\/p>\n

It had been hard for me to allow that thought that I want \u201csomething better\u201d to be there because I always fear that I am asking for too much. Here was a job close to home, with life time security, and probably interesting work. I was crazy to pass it up! Who was I to think that I deserved, let alone could find a better option? With the exercises I did in my session, I was able to not judge that feeling, and let it come up. I realized that my vacations are incredibly important to me; it\u2019s the few times a year when I get to be with the family and not deal with the stress of school and work. We can be together and have fun. I also realized that the kids are getting older and we can start doing new activities as a family and also that they won\u2019t be wanting to spend that much time with us pretty soon, so I should take advantage of it while I can.<\/p>\n

It was an incredibly hard decision to turn down the offer, and I almost threw up after letting the person who interviewed me know. I sent a heartfelt letter expressing my appreciation for the time and effort to bring me in and my reasons for turning down the job. It\u2019s very possible I will regret this decision down the line(I still do from time to time), but I feel I have to really try to find what I want this time around, rather than just take whatever falls into my lap. Despite the incredible benefits, I know I don\u2019t want to stay where I am. The work itself is okay, but I am too isolated and the limited interactions with my advisor aren\u2019t that fulfilling. I also feel that if I tried to stay in academics I would keep falling in the same rut as I have the past 11 years. The State job would have been fine, and I\u2019m sure I would have done pretty well, but despite the security, working in the same job for over 20 years, in order to make the pension make sense, it seemed constraining.<\/p>\n

The exercise with my coach was very interesting. Using purely intuition, I laid out 3 potential paths, represented by scarves of 3 different colors, and selected photos at random that belonged to each path. The 3 paths were, 1)take the state job, 2)try to stay where I am, and 3)the unknown, or to follow my dream. Each path had it\u2019s own theme and scenarios along that journey. The unknown path is what I choose. We constructed a story from the photos. To summarize, my vision is hazy but it will come into focus. There will be tough periods ahead, but if I keep moving forward with determination there will be joy and peace at the end of that journey. It was scary to choose that, but on some level deep down it was I knew I was feeling, I just needed the safe space and process to allow that choice to be made.<\/p>\n

As this process has been unfolding I was bombarded by the word \u201cDream\u201d everywhere I turned. From Dizzee Rascal\u2019s \u201cDream\u201d on the radio, in which he tells of becoming a successful musician.
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