Out in the open

happiness,

NY001

So last week I finally announced the blog someplace. No, I’m not talking about the NSA knowing my blog exists! In this case it was a stereo/audio forum I frequent (Hello to any AK’ers!). I wasn’t really thinking about what kind of response I would get, I just wanted to do the terrifying act of announcing the blog. I got some compliments and constructive criticism which was great. The criticism that made me think the most was the observation that I spend too much time thinking about how I feel. I wasn’t initially sure what to do with that observation. Was it a criticism of my approach to the blog or more about how I deal with my depression/melancholy? For a bit I was afraid I’d be too self conscious to write any more posts.

I thought about this for a few days and realized that the authors of the blogs dealing with personal development that I follow ( Penelope Trunk and James Altucher ) seem to have a lot of advice to share. I don’t always agree with their conclusions but still appreciate where their experiences(and ability to learn from them) had led them to. I on the other hand am still going through some sort of process (what that is exactly, I’m not sure), and don’t feel qualified to recommend anything. All I feel comfortable doing is sharing my process. As my wife would be the first to say, unfortunately most of the process takes place in my head. I tend to ruminate or worry or just free associate without really getting anywhere with my thoughts. I find that the act of writing down what I am feeling helps me somewhat in sorting through all those thoughts and emotions and gives me a hint of what triggered what. With the idea that this blog could help someone in a similar position as me, I can only hope that someone seeing my thoughts and process could gain some insight into their own situation.

Given all that, I still think I need to get more of the original idea for the blog back into action. Before announcing the blog I went back and re-read it from the beginning. In the very first post, I stated that I wanted to keep track of the positive things in my life and to see if that would help with my depression. So I think going forward I will put more emphasis on the positive events, but still allow myself to explore any feelings, positive or negative, that come up. Luckily for me, I had a great father’s day weekend, so I do have some positive events to focus on.

On Saturday, I attended an informal upholstery class that I am taking and was able to finish fixing up a foam cushion. My wife inherited some mid-century daybeds, along with some other fantastic furniture, from her grandparents. The daybeds used old-school latex foam for the seat cushions which sadly were beginning to get crusty and brittle near the edges. At the class, the teacher walked me through the process of trimming off the bad edges, sacrificing the smaller cushion to get the big one back up to size via gluing. It doesn’t sound like much, but I enjoyed learning something new and having something to show at the end of the morning. Since you can’t get latex foam easily I’ll have to use the modern stuff to replace the small cushion, but I’m not too worried. The eventual goal is to make new covers to replace the cracking vinyl ones but we have not been able to agree on a material with my wife. I’m looking forward to learning how to sew the covers once we get that settled.

That evening my mom watched the kids and my wife and I got to go out for dinner. I’ve probably mentioned it before, but when we get time alone it’s a reminder of how well we generally are together. The kids take so much energy and patience that at the end of the day it feels like we have little left to give each other. Despite the fact that we had some mostly disappointing Spanish food, we still had a good time and were able to appreciate each other and feel connected again.

Father’s day itself started with a morning surf session for my mom and me. Despite being in her early 60s she loves to go boogie boarding. When we go surfing together she usually stays close to shore for the smaller waves and white water and I paddle further out on a surfboard to the normal break. The conditions were a bit junky but we both managed to have a great time. Even though we were not in the same area of the beach, it still felt good to be doing one of my favorite activities with someone important to me and to share my joy of surfing. Later that day my dad and sister joined us for a BBQ at our place. Being with my parents and sister feels very comforting to me since I know I can be myself and I get a chance to relax and feel taken care of a bit. My wife and kids made me very sweet cards, and my wife even got me a vintage leather bag( a “manbag”) in celebration of my blog and the work she sees me doing on myself.

So despite my anxiety and disappointment in regards to the ever NSA revelations that had been with me all week(hence the picture up top), I was able to feel connected and positive because I was able to do some outdoor activities, learn something new and complete a project as well as getting to spend time with people I love and feel extremely comfortable with. The positivity carried over into the week and I even got some more work done on the stereo. I may finish her yet!

A mixed bag

Uncategorized

Sick Ponies

I’m home with my younger daughter today. She picked up a classmate’s stomach bug and was feverish and vomited last night after complaining of a stomach ache all yesterday. Today, other than not being too hungry she seems much better. I just finished Margaret Atwood’s “Year of the Flood”, which is the follow up to “Oryx and Crake”and the second in a trilogy set in the near future where a man made plague wipes out most of the earth’s population. It’s much more involved than that(touches on genetically modified organisms, corporate take over of government, and other timely topics) but given the stomach bug that’s what I am focusing on. Trying to wash my hands as often as possible.

The time since the last entry has been mixed. My coach and I decided that I would take the space of a month without any scheduled check-ins or meetings with her. This is in line with her realizing that things needed to change, and me realizing that I needed to take more of a role in doing things for myself. It’s nice to know that I can reach out for help if I need it, but I haven’t had any pressing issues come up. I find this experiment kind of exciting. Perhaps some more assertive engaged self will come out of this, or maybe I’ll just keep plodding along and nothing will change, we’ll see. I have been a bit down, but I think that may be understandable, and I’ve taken some opportunities to make more time for activities that I enjoy.

The being down I think is related to the news that a friend’s husband was diagnosed with a particularly deadly form of brain cancer. The doctors are giving him about a year a half to live, but no one knows for sure. My friend and her husband are trying to remain positive and not give up hope. To add to the difficulty in her situation she is also pregnant with their second baby. Besides being upset about the news, it makes me try to imagine how I would cope if I were in that situation. I have a hard time trying to imagine it. It’s also made me realize that I really don’t know when I could lose someone, and that I should take advantage of the time I do have with the people I care about. It can be hard to put into practice, but I’m trying to keep that present. I’ve focused more on that aspect than trying to imagine what I would do if I told I only had 18 months left, I’m a little uncomfortable with what comes up for me. My first thought is that I would want to travel. I would want to go back to South America and Australia. I would want to surf and scuba dive as much as possible. Then I remember I have a family and people who care about me(woops), and I feel incredibly selfish.

I actually did get to go out surfing last week. Part of the plan my coach and I set in place was for me to come up with ideas on how to use the time I would normally be meeting with her. Last week the weather cooperated so I went out for a surf. It was good to be back in the water, and despite the long interval since my last surf session I still remember how to do it(as long as the waves aren’t too big). I did notice that being out of shape was limiting(in terms of paddling for waves mostly) though. So it’s kind of like remembering how to ride a bike in that the motions are kind of ingrained, but the physical aspect plays more of a role than bicycling. Overall it felt great.

In contrast to surfing, the martial arts class I am taking was not as much an overall booster as usual. I went to class last week, and was feeling kind of off. My reactions were either slow or wrong, and I felt that I a lot of stuff I was supposed to know already wasn’t completely accessible to me. We had a seminar/testing event later in the week, and some parts went well, but as part of the testing we had to come up with our own applications of what we were learning, and that was kind of a bust. The Sihing (teacher) used it as a good teaching moment, but I still felt disappointed in myself.

I tend to be hard on myself, and get upset when I can’t do something I feel that I should be able to do. Besides the martial arts class, I think it carries over into most areas of my life. I should be more patient and attentive to my kids and wife. I should be able to pursue a job search(no qualifiers needed!). This is where the saying “Don’t should on yourself” fits, but it’s a hard habit to kick.

Being at home with my daughter so far has brought a lot of these areas into focus. Part of me wants to get some projects done (like this blog post) or continue on the stereo repair (started the process of replacing capacitors(re-capping) last week). Another part thinks that I should spend more time with her since she won’t be young forever and I should enjoy her whenever possible. The problem is that I can only take so much of playing with stuffed animals or her toys. I feel bad about it, but there it is. I guess I’m aiming for a compromise today. Some playing interspersed with TV time for her (yet another thing I “should not” be doing) while I do my thing. Maybe I can try to find an activity suitable for both of us such as walk outside.

Either way, I’ll keep washing my hands.

Finding my own path

Uncategorized

paths

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the edge of something, like I’m close to finding some sort of path or gaining some insight. Maybe some opportunity is about to come up. Maybe what I can imagine as possible for me is expanding. I’m not sure what’s going on, but the feeling that the potential for some sort of change is there.

  • There was a brief moment of confusion last week in regards to my grant being extended or not. It turned out to be a typo(wrong date) but during that day of uncertainty I wasn’t terribly upset. While it would have complicated things, I also didn’t mind the idea of being forced to make a decision regarding my future.
  • A recent Altucher Confidential post reminded me that people are able to do miraculous things with their lives. He has a book coming out(hopefully not just e-book form) that I plan on getting. I’m also trying to follow part of his Daily Practice, and make lists of ideas that come up or forcing myself to come up with ideas for a list. This post so far is kind of a list!
  • I read an article on Gawker predicting that the current insane increase in housing prices in our area once again is unsustainable. Our neighbors across the street just sold their 2 bedroom house for approx $600,000! It’s a cute house, but the price is nuts. As during the housing boom of the mid 2000’s I had basically accepted the fact that I would never be able to afford a home. Whether I want to or not is still up in the air since there are plenty of arguments against owning, but “knowing” that I would know ever be able to afford a home in the type of places I like to live (large coastal cities) was upsetting. I’m sure there are many arguments against the idea of another bubble but entertaining the possibility that prices will come down again gives me some glimmer of hope, to have the option someday at least.
  • Lastly, my coach/therapist (she’s officially a coach, but I see it as a type of therapy) informed me that her role in our work together was going to have to change.

Several years ago the therapist I was seeing at the time also decided that things had to change. I would come in depressed and most of the session would be her trying to convince me that I wasn’t a terrible person or that I could get better. I would spend most of my time explaining why she was wrong and that I really was screwed and condemned to a life of depression and misery. I think I had grown to really need to hear someone say that I was a good person and had the potential to live a really fulfilling life. I probably put myself in a worse mood to get more of that message. I really wanted to believe it as well, but a larger part of it was getting that message. That day, she announced that things could no longer go on as they had. Our relationship would have to change. This was quite upsetting, I felt abandoned and that she had given up on me. I was also upset because I think hearing her say these positives things about me made me feel cared for and appreciated. Looking back I can see she was correct changing our working relationship, trying to be my cheerleader wasn’t helping.

Last week, my coach effectively said the same thing. She felt that being my cheerleader wasn’t helping me, in fact it was probably counter productive since I was coming to depend on someone else to “fix me” and I was spending more energy proving her wrong than anything else. In her words it was time for her to back off a bit. It’s a bit scary, since I don’t know what this all means yet, but I think she’s right. I’m also not as panicked as last time, I have more context to place this all in. Letting her assume the role of cheerleader is a way of escaping my own responsibilities again(similar to using my depression as in last weeks post). Also, if I’m not getting better(since I’m not necessarily trying), then I start getting upset with her.

This blog is a perfect example of coming to depend on others. I’ve been wrestling with the idea of getting this blog out for others to read. It seems overwhelming so I’ve avoided the issue and secretly hoped that either my coach or wife would find a venue to spread the word. I’m realizing that I really have to do it. I even made a list of possible places(mostly the “other stuff” section of some forums I frequent) I could go to.

I think this feeling of potential is the beginning of an awareness that I need to do more things for myself. I’m the only one who can really figure out what it is that I want to do with my life, I can’t expect someone else to do that for me. Awareness doesn’t always translate into action, but at least it’s a start. To paraphrase the PSAs at the end of each G.I. Joe cartoon in the 80s “Knowing is half the battle”

Lists and Bolts

Uncategorized

Bolts

I started off last night trying to write some of the thoughts floating around in my head during the past week, but couldn’t really get anywhere with it. As I started writing I found myself getting into a worse and worse mood. That coupled with the fact that I was overly tired(I’ve been staying up too late at night researching soundcards for digitizing vinyl, which has led me to read up on better cartridges and phono-pre amps and so on) made me decide to go to bed instead.

This morning I made the mistake of listening to a show on public radio that was discussing some political topics, but what affected me the most was the reminder that politics has been completely co-opted by the super wealthy in this country and I believe we are headed back into another gilded age. I despair so much every time I think about it too much. So many indignities and abuses going on in this country (and others), it’s overwhelming. A regular trigger for depression is a sense that things are out of control, (for example this country, politics, pollution, poverty, erosion of civil liberties and to a less extreme level my finances, inability to figure out my career path, not teaching my kids Spanish) and feeling either powerless or too overwhelmed to do anything about it.

I ran across a post on reddit that seemed relevant to my condition and the blog in general. The main thread(is that the proper Reddit term?) is someone wondering if they were the only person who didn’t find Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT) useful. I tried this out a few years ago through and found that usually it didn’t work for me. However, with my coach last week, having someone help me discover the contradictions in my depressed mind-state was useful. I very effectively craft arguments and reasons for why I can’t do something or what is wrong with me. To defend one belief I had to concoct something else to account for a flaw. In the end, I was still not in a good space, but I was aware of the fact that I had to go through some convoluted mental gymnastics to stay hold on to those beliefs. Back to reddit, in that thread was what I thought a very good list of techniques to deal with depression. Some of those are very similar to the list in my man(bag) of tricks. The self.depression subreddit looks interesting.

Another article that stuck with me was by James Altucher. His website often has what I find at times very irreverant yet inspiring posts. The post in particular was about quitting your job. I’m not looking at a fiery departure, but I have a very real cut-off point and need to do something about it. What I took away from that article was that I should try to meet as many people as possible and to allow myself to indulge my interests or passions from time to time since they can lead to unexpected benefits. I was thinking about that this morning after I went to go pick up some parts from a 3D printing studio. I sent in a resume for some job listings there several months ago and never heard back. Maybe I should have made more of an effort to just get to know the people I interacted with so they would recognize my name in case they ran across my resume.

More generally I think that part of me is scared to leave the depressed state. It’s an escape from having to do what seems like the impossible task of crawling up out of this pit. It’s an escape from having to take responsibility for my behaviors or for neglecting stuff at home or elsewhere. It is so much easier to just give up and wallow in the despair and depression. Once again while writing this I am realizing how much more depressed I am than I normally realize.

To close, I will go over the positive experiences this week.
1) We had a nice family nature outing on Sunday. I enjoyed the change of scenery and being outdoors. I also feel that it’s important for the kids to get a better sense of nature, and living in an urban environment it can be tough to get out enough.
2)Work has been a bit more involved this week. I still wasted a lot of time on the internet, but I ran several experiments and got to do some basic data processing. I feel better when I am actively doing something, it makes me feel productive and useful. Also, I finally got a physical copy of the journal with my latest scientific manuscript. It’s my second first-author manuscript(not a lot for someone in my position), but it’s something.
3)I started the process of re-capping the stereo I’m working on. It’s a small step in that I just labeled the capacitors to prevent mix ups, but it’s something. It makes finishing this thing seem more manageable.

On that reddit list of things to help combat depression was getting small tasks done. I actually do feel better now that I finished this post. Now off to eat my lunch(thanks goodness for leftovers) out in the sun.

Fix the damn stereo already

depression

caps-1

The stereo, whose insides are in the picture above, has been sitting on my desk for months now. Every time I see it I feel guilty for not getting it back to the friend who asked if I would fix it. Have I had it a year already? I replaced a few transistors and all the light bulbs a few months ago but it still has some problems. I finally ordered new parts and have kept meaning to get around to replacing them, but for one reason or another I can’t seem to get to it. This evening I was going to heat up the soldering iron and replace some capacitors(“re-cap”) and transistors(“re-trans” is not used), but I decided to write a blog post instead. I need to flesh out what I’ve been thinking today. I’ve been feeling okay this week(had a wonderful time with the family on Mother’s Day), but going to a colleague’s medical school graduation ceremony this afternoon made me reflective and that made me start worrying about my future again.

This colleague is incredibly smart and also a real people-person. I met him when he came to the research group as a graduate student. He had worked in industry for a while before coming back to school. While finishing his PhD he decided to attend medical school. He got a scholarship to go to our local (highly prestigious) medical school, and more recently was assigned his internship and residency in the same city. I always enjoy talking with him, and besides his hard work and intelligence, I’ve also admired his ability to strike up conversations with anyone. His outgoing and warm personality, projection of confidence and fearlessness in striking up conversations has led him to meet so many women that it’s mind boggling. I’m happily married now, but for a long time my fear of talking to women that I was interested during school and college was a constant source of anguish and I would get depressed over all the opportunities and experiences I missed because I was too afraid of rejection. That’s another blog post though. Anyhow, I appreciate that ability in him.

Yesterday I read a New Yorker article about Dr. Steven Zeitels who has pioneered all kinds of advances in vocal cord surgery and has operated on famous singers. His background was interesting, with a stint doing leatherwork while in his teens(supposedly that is where he gained his ambidexterity). What stuck with me, beside the leatherwork, was the creativity and passion he put into his work. He was constantly innovating and coming up with new ways of doing things. Then today, on the way home from the graduation party, I listened to a radio story about Bob Harris who became interested in helping the poor while on a travel writing assignment in Dubai,and just wrote a book about it. The lead into the story was talking about what many consider “dream jobs” and then saying that Bob Harris had done a lot of them (stand-up comedian, successful Jeopardy! contestant, radio host, travel writer and now author).

My colleague’s graduation and the two stories on interesting careers started me thinking about my possibilities once again. I’m surrounded by very intelligent people who seem to put more into their work than I do. I used to think I was good with people in a professional setting, but more recently I’ve found myself lacking in that area as well. I’m only in my late 30s, but I’m feeling slow witted and lacking energy. At home I have a list of things that I keep putting off. For example, I’ve wanted to learn some songs on guitar via youtube videos for some time now but I just can’t seem focus enough to do it. The stereo repair also falls into that category. At work, I am easily frustrated by tasks that require some serious thought/analysis or coming up with creative solutions to problems. My coach says that the lack of energy is because I am not inspired by my work, but I’m not so sure. My ongoing fear is that no matter how wonderful the job or opportunity I won’t be able to rise to the occasion and take advantage of it.

I have good benefits at work, a ridiculously flexible schedule, a quite reasonable salary and I really like the people I work with. Part of me feels it is foolish to expect a better position and really wish I could just adapt or turn on some switch to make me thrive in the lab. My wife’s colleague sent her some warm words telling of his own story of really not finding his calling of school psychology until he was about 40 as a way of suggesting I not lose hope. I thought it was a nice gesture, but with the family to worry about and the high cost of living in this area I don’t feel like there are that many options left for me (not to mention the ongoing fear that I don’t have the energy or drive for anything). As time goes on I am less and less convinced that I will find this fantasy job or career.

A couple of years ago I was looking back at my time in graduate school and realized there were so many amazing research projects going on that I could have been part of or even how my thesis could have been so much better. I feel that I wasted so many opportunities that were open to me then. I’m afraid that a couple of years from now I will look back at my time in my current lab and feel the same thing. What’s upsetting is that I can’t seem to do anything about it.

I just spoke to my wife (she wanted me to lay with her while she went to bed and I’m working on communicating my moods and feelings more) and she reminded me that I’ve been here a million times before, and that I seem to forget how frustrated and restless I get at work. I was also reminded of my need for structure and deadlines. I know the depression is casting a negative pall on everything, but I can’t shake the feeling that I am not good at much that would help me get a job. I feel like that dismantled stereo that has been sitting on a desk for too long. If I could get re-capped and swap some transistors out maybe I would function a bit better.

Rowing and Reality

happiness

rowing-1
This week has been interesting. Despite some downtime at work which has led to the yucky “I-have-nothing-to-do-or-contribute” feeling, overall it’s been pretty good. Similarly to the last post, I’m going to focus on the events that perhaps helped me.

First, I had an amazing time with the kids and some friends over the weekend. My wife’s friend organized a picnic with her family and us at a large urban park in the area. My wife also invited a friend who came with his son. The idea was to picnic outdoors. I was a bit suspect about how that would end up given the weather we traditionally have around here. Sure enough, it was a bit cold and it looked like it would rain. We all met up and ended up eating in a pagoda since it started drizzling and there was thunder. It never rained hard, but it was still exciting for the kids(and me). We ate and talked, the kids run were running around doing their own thing. With the girls and our friend’s son we did a mini-hike which led to some great views.

The organizing family left and the rest of us crammed into a rented row boat and went out on the lake. The kids wanted paddle boats, but being that they must be the most inefficient method of transportation, and since we all couldn’t fit in one, we overruled them. The kids all took turns rowing, requiring a few interventions on my part to keep us from crashing into other boats or the underside of bridges. I was surprised to see how much my daughters really wanted to keep at it. It was much more fun that I would have suspected. I guess what I found so special about the day was the fact that we were all doing something enjoyable as a group, and that it was outdoors. Normally I tend to do things by myself, surfing, reading, whatever. I play with the kids at home and take them to parks, but I still often find myself distracted. But there was something different about a group of us being outside where the kids could play, and then doing a specific group activity(in this case rowing a boat). Thank goodness my wife is so much better at getting invited to or coming up with these events.

The other interesting event was a conversation I had with my wife. The past week I had been feeling down. The previous weekend my wife and I had the night off and went out to eat. Among the topics of conversation was my last blog post. We had a good time at dinner and then went to a small house party at one of her co-workers. As an aside, I was surprised to see that they had the second Neurosis album on vinyl! Anyhow, we had fun, met some new people and just enjoyed doing activities that we used to do before kids.

A few days later my main memory of that night was the conversation regarding the blog. What I was focusing on was a comment from by my wife suggesting that I find additional activities to help me feel the way surfing does since I can’t get to the beach very often. Looking back I took it as a reminder that I was off in the clouds and my daydreams were exactly that. Since I tend to catrastrophize everything(ha! yet another example), it ended up meaning I should probably give up surfing, since I will never be close enough to the ocean. I felt a bit crushed, not by my wife, but by reality. I guess deep down I believed that there was some way to get more surfing in, find a job that feels really fulfilling( or least that I feel competent and useful at), and still be close to friends and family. This was a slap of reality.

After the fun day out with the kids I spoke to my wife and said that I had been kind of down that week(her response was essentially “duh!”). I told her how much fun I’d had in the park that day, and went on to share my belief that the conversation about the blog had been the trigger. She asked for clarification and then was surprised by how I remembered it, and then proceeded to fill me in on the rest of the conversation that I had somehow forgotten. To simplify the story, after expressing my desires for more surf, fulfilling work and still being close to family she repeated the long standing offer of either moving by her parents or moving closer to the beach somehow. I shot down those suggestions one way or another(jobs, lifestyle, rent, etc). From there she had suggested I find additional activities to help me feel better, since it seemed like I couldn’t get enough surfing in if we stay where we are.

The rest of the conversation came back to me, and I was really shocked about how much I had forgotten. I still harbor some of the thoughts that my dreams of beach, work and family are just that, dreams. However, it was illuminating to see how I managed to change up the story in my head so that external forces are what keep me from making those dreams happen, rather than my own fears. It’s something to think about going forward.

I think sharing my feelings with my wife, and getting some important feedback helped. I felt connected to her, and I was reminded about what a huge support and how amazing she is with me. I still don’t know what I’m doing in life, but it helps to know that I don’t have to figure out completely on my own. Similarly, feeling connected to my kids and other friends at the park was comforting. Now if I could just get the family to take up surfing I would be set!

Take three and call me in the morning

happiness

pinwheel

It’s been a good week. I’m sleeping a bit better and feeling more content with myself despite not getting much done at work. My wife and I even had sex twice in the past week! As an aside, it’s kind of sad that we have sex so infrequently. For the first few years we were dating we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. The illnesses earlier this year didn’t help, but still. Anyhow, back to my mood, I can’t pinpoint what the cause is but I have a hunch it is related to supplements, learning a new manual skill and surfing.

First, I started back up on my 5-HTP. I have been taking it for awhile, after reading The Mood Cure last year. I don’t wholly agree with everything going on in there, but I tried taking some supplements and some diet changes. I started with the 5-htp and L-tyrosine. Eventually I ended up only taking a single 5-htp tablet in the evening. I’ve been on it consistently but I ran out and hadn’t taken it for over a week or so. I figured I would see if it was doing anything for me. After not taking it for a few days I started having problems with insomnia and a more general depression set it, I finally got off my ass and ordered some more and have been taking it since last week again. My sleep improved pretty quickly as has my mood(although that might be related to the stuff below as well).

Last Saturday I had my first experience doing upholstery. We have some antique furniture we inherited from my wife’s grandparents. Two pieces, a chair and a bench, developed problems with the springs supporting the cushions, some were poking out the bottom. I had looked around into getting them fixed but realized it was going to be really really expensive to do so. A friend who is doing some occasional upholstery work offered to take a look at them, but she started a new job and never got around to coming over, also she wanted to replace the hand-tied springs with foam while I kind of wanted to keep the original setup with the hand-tied springs. I started looking into upholstery classes and quickly realized that, at least where I live, they are hard to find. One community college offered a class via their continuing education but it was filled by the time I found it. On a whim I googled “upholstery” in my direct area(vs the major metropolitan area) and found a listing for upholstery classes(by the hour) at a woman’s shop not far from where I live and it was much cheaper than the community college course! I called the number a few days later and it rang without ever going to an answering machine. I tried off and on for a week with no success. I had kind of given up but then late last week I tried again and finally got through. Anyhow I went last Saturday morning and really enjoyed myself. I had stripped the cushion piece the night before(wow, that took much much longer than I had guessed), but during the class I attached new webbing, and hand-tied the springs. I have a lot left to do(going again this Saturday), but the act of learning something new and actually making something with my hands makes me feel so good.

The last piece of my mood change this week has been surfing. My advisor and most of the research group are out of town at a big conference this week. I took my surfboard to work and managed to get out on Monday and Tuesday during my “lunch break”. The conditions were okay, but I just felt great being in the water, and getting some short rides in. Today the wind was howling by the time I got into work and it’ll probably continue through the rest of the week so I probably won’t get anymore surfing in, but those two days were great! I realized once again how out of shape I am, but I was okay with that. Rather than beating myself up for getting so out of shape, I was able to register it as something that I need to be aware and perhaps figure out ways to get in shape even if I’m not able to surf very often. I also realized that I should take advantage of my work’s proximity to the beach while I still can, I live too far away from the beach to go during the week otherwise.

So here I am, wondering what to do with this information. I still don’t see a lot of options for me work-wise at the moment, but it’s not really getting me down too much right now. If I let myself daydream I envision a scenario where I live near the beach and go surfing in the mornings before work. I wish I could figure out how to get closer to the beach. I think I’ve mentioned before that wanting to be near family and friends, which is very important to us, pulls us away from the beach. We could move closer to my in-laws but other than them and the beach I don’t like that area so much. As for my daydream work, it would consist of lot’s of learning, and I would get to do things with my hands. I like technology and that’s a real possibility but there was something so grounding and satisfying in my brief exposure to upholstery that draws me to the the idea of having trade or skill that I could do. The pay sucks, but this is a daydream right?

Music

depression,
Photo from the days when I used to hang with the band.
Photo from the days when I used to hang with the band.

I’ve been depressed today. Not quite sure why, it just kind of hit. I first noticed it when some of the guys at work suggested a last minute outing for beer after work with the group. I’m usually the one organizing these sort of things, but I just didn’t feel like today. I went for a short while, but left when the majority of the group showed up. A friend in Chile e-mailed me last week to let me know that her husband had a seizure and it turned out that he had a medium sized tumor in his head and was going for surgery early this week. It’s been on my mind, and I’ve constantly been checking my e-mail for any news. I think the surgery was today, but I’m not sure. Anyhow, this probably has played some part in my depression today, but again I’m not sure.

The weekend went well. I took my daughter swimming which I really enjoyed. It almost didn’t happen though. There is a small wealthy town surrounded by our much larger and urban city. My wife heard that this town had a nice heated public pool about 5 minutes away from our hosue and had planned on us all going. My younger daughter was being quite fussy so I offered to just take my older daughter. We showed up and I asked how much non-residents were. I knew that it was more expensive for non-residents but I was flabbergasted when I was told that non-resident adults were charged $30 and non-resident kids $7. I was so shocked that I actually exclaimed “$30!?” out loud and made some comment about having to see if I had enough money. I was actually going to leave, which would have been sad for my daughter, but the guy was nice and gave me the resident rate of $15. (Seriously, $15?)

So I sucked it up and paid the $22 for my daughter and I to go swimming. I was able to put that aside and actually had a good time. The small pool was pretty warm, and for a long time we mostly had it to ourselves. I enjoyed playing with her and seeing her having so much fun. The pool was only three and a half feet deep, but I got her to go down the bottom and retrieve an object for the first time, and I even got her to put her face in the water without holding her nose for short periods. It made me wish that we lived in a warmer climate so that she could get more pool time. I think she is like me in that she really loves the water(now if I could get her to be comfortable in the cold ocean I’d be set). I’ve found that I really enjoy the opportunities to do an activity alone with her. I’m not good at the daily stuff around the house, but actual activities outdoors I tend to really like.

I also spent a lot of time over the weekend, starting on Friday night, watching a live stream of the Coachella festival (hooked up the computer to the TV and stereo). It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a concert, so being able to see these bands play live, even if it was on the TV, was fantastic. I gained new found appreciation for some bands I was already familiar with and liked (Café Tacvba, Blur, Red Hot Chili Peppers) and discovered some new music as well. I stayed up way too late for 3 nights in a row, but it was very much worth it.

Despite enjoying the music so much, I also found missing being around live music. When I was in graduate school a friend of mine from high school was in a fairly successful band in the same city I was studying in. Besides the small club gigs, they also got to open for major acts at big venues. During that period I used to go his shows a lot. I was kind of the unofficial photographer for the band so I often got backstage passes. Seeing the bands on TV/computer made me miss that period in my life. It reminded me of the excitement of live music and everything involved in touring and playing. I spent about 5 days at one point with the band on a mini-tour. Not that I needed an excuse (it was just the band members in their van), but I went along as the photographer. I still remember that week as one of the top 2 or 3 weeks in my life. It had been a long time since I had just spent time in a car with friends, or actually just spending so much time with friends in general (I considered the rest of the band friends). The time in the van on the highways, the small parties and BBQs at friends’ houses, setting up for shows and taking everything down, it was all great. I realize that this can get tiring if you are doing it all the time, but for those 5 days I had the time of my life.

Besides missing that time in my life, I also admired the musicians I saw on TV for being so good at something. Part of me had the normal reaction of wishing I could play music in front of thousands of fans, but I more regretted letting most of my musical training lapse( I was never a great player, but I enjoyed it) and I more generally lamented feeling like I’m not REALLY good at anything. This has been a problematic theme for me at work, but this week it has felt more general. I just honestly feel that I am not good at anything. It’s not to say that am terrible at everything, but rather I don’t have any skills that I can point to say “I’m really good at this”. This is also probably getting me down as well.

I remember one of my philosophy professors in Australia (an American ex-pat, probably depressive) telling the class a story about being on some bluffs overlooking the sea on the east coast with his wife (he pointed out to us that they had divorced) and being depressed because he had just read “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court” and felt that unlike the protagonist, if he suddenly found himself in the past he would have no useful skills, for example making matches. I haven’t read the book but I completely understand that sentiment and I think that the memory has stayed with me for these past 17 years for that reason. I feel as if I have a bunch of small disparate skills that I’m okay at, but that in the real world (life or job-wise) I’m pretty useless.

Update Okay, I posted this about 10 minutes ago, then browsing the web(rather than going to sleep) ran across this, maybe someone is trying to send me a message?

Nowhere Man

depression,

The Beatle’s song “Nowhere Man” came to mind as I was beginning to write this post. I feel exactly like I’m making all my “nowhere plans for nobody”. I actually often create problems with scheduling at home because I make all these stupid plans in my head and it seems all decided but then I forget to tell anyone about them.

I’ve been feeling somewhat lost this week. We had my daughter’s 6th birthday party on Saturday which was fine. Nothing particularly bad has happened since, but I just feel so ungrounded and unmotivated. For example, I’ve been trying to write up a paper on some research I did but I’ve just had the hardest time doing it. It feels like I can’t wrap my mind around what I am trying to say and that I get bogged down in small grammar details, and nothing flows or makes any sense. Trying to dig up citations seems to be such a huge task for some reason. I escape by working on the figures, which for me is much more straightforward and fun to do. It’s funny, I can do a decent job editing other people’s writing but writing my own stuff is usually such an overwhelming task.

Today this inability to act or do came up at my daughter’s school. She left her backpack in the cafeteria by accident yesterday and my wife had asked me to look for it this morning when I dropped her off. I checked the lost and found, but when it wasn’t there I kind of gave up. I’m still not sure why, but the idea of having to go sign in and find the cafeteria(I still don’t fully understand my way around the school) then take the backpack back to the classroom seemed too hard. Writing about it seems ridiculous, but I just couldn’t do it. The secretary is kind of mean, but so what? All I had to do was explain that I needed to look for my daughter’s backpack and be on my way.

When I told my wife she was somewhat incredulous that I didn’t do it and was annoyed because it meant she would have to go after school with both kids to find it. She didn’t yell or anything, and given the circumstances was quite gracious and calm about it. I tend to cut myself down when I’m upset about my behavior but she was patient enough to ask me to stop insulting myself and listen to why it had inconvenienced her so much. I grudgingly listened and realized that I had made things difficult, apologized and still felt like shit. The rest of the day I’ve been off, questioning my ability to do anything in life, feeling like I’ve reached my peak in income and career and everything from here on out will be downhill. I feel like I’m too dumb or unmotivated to learn anything new that requires mental ability. I’m also beginning to get worried because my usual excitement for doing stuff like surfing is also beginning to diminish. I haven’t had the opportunity to surf since vacation, and the conditions haven’t been good anyhow but I’ll have to keep an eye on this.

To focus on the positives (since there are so many negatives I could go off about), I did make some progress on some ongoing projects I’ve fallen behind on. I complied the list of replacement parts for a receiver I am fixing for a friend (this had been seeming impossible for weeks now) and am waiting for confirmation to order the parts. My other accomplishment this week was posting the vacation pictures online for family members. I also got around to printing some B&W photos (one of which I posted above) which I haven’t done for months. Unfortunately, these actions didn’t pick me up as much as taking care of unfinished business usually does.

I’ll try to focus on the rest of Nowhere Man, and hope that I am not completely hopeless and just viewing life through an extremely distorted lens.